A Royal Affair
I grew a garden
of the most graceful sunflowers
and cherry blossoms I could find.
If you have creative dahlias
and calming lavender,
come grow your garden beside mine.
But in the evening
I want to sit quietly,
and get drunk on my own garden’s fragrance.
To watch my wisteria’s
cascading waterfalls dance in the wind,
camellias igniting in their quiet beauty.
On love, autonomy, and the quiet rebellion
From the moment we begin to make sense of the world, we are handed a script; a narrow set of models of what love and connection should look like. As if the options are fixed and intimacy must follow a specific trajectory: meet, merge, marry, move in, have children. We are rarely invited to question whether these models are truth or simply tradition. A social construction dressed in the currency of expectation. A disguised economic contract.
If we deviate; daring to step outside this prescribed arc, we risk being marked as a failure, an outlier, a threat. (We all want company in our misery)
We are taught to equate success in relationships with numbers: number of partners for men, children had for women, properties bought by couples. We measure a concept that is infinite. Love.
Longevity becomes a badge of honour, but only when it fits the mold of cohabiting.
Step outside of that template, and you risk social stigma.
What if love, in its true longevity and enduring form, could take another shape? What if connection could deepen outside of that framework? What if love wasn’t built on habit, convenience, or codependence? What if love thrived in sustained creativity, communication, honesty, mutual respect, and the courage to grow? In acceptance, openness, understanding, and freedom? In a conscious choice of two people, choosing one another, again and again. While choosing themselves.
Not out of obligation.
Not to meet expectations.
Not for financial safety or social approval.
Not to pass on the blueprint of conformity to children.
Not because it looks “good”.
Simone de Beauvoir wrote, “Love must not be a means of escape from loneliness. It must strengthen the singular being.”
In this light, love becomes a mirror. Not a mask. A space where we can grow and be more ourselves - not less.
Living apart together - what I like to call a “royal affair” - reserved for those who dare, is a revolutionary act of love… a quiet rebellion.
A form of love that allows us to preserve our autonomy, our own rhythm, our freedom to have a bad day, while cultivating a shared life built on intention rather than routine. One, that cultivates a shared world built on choice, not routine.
Research shows that simply maintaining individuals homes, meant more frequent sex than those that were cohabiting. In the UK, about 10% of heterosexual couples live apart, yet stay in committed relationships. Seniors in LAT relationships experience greater mental health benefits comparative to those living together or married. Therapist reported benefits include renewed appreciation, reduced domestic friction, improved communication and more intentional quality time. LAT simply diminishes codependency, allows you to be your own person in a healthy, honest and communicative relationship.
This isn’t a rejection of love. This is reimagining it.
Absence makes the heart grow wiser, not just fonder. It becomes a love where absence breeds reflection, not disconnection. Where solitude is a sanctuary, that celebrates individuality without sacrificing connection. A space where each person faces their demons alone and returns lighter and truer.
To love like this is to meet each other not with exhaustion, but with presence. To earn intimacy, rather than inherit it by default. To maintain the individuality that brought you together in the first place. To stay attentive. To undergo a metamorphosis of spirit.
Here is one of my favourite quotes by Rainer Maria Rilke: “… a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of their solitude.”
The royal affair.. honours this. It allows each garden to bloom on its own terms.
Our person, can be the one that pushes us to be better. Our personal space, can be the workshop that allows us to embed that improvement and preserve it.
“Dependency murders creativity. Creativity plays with the unknown.” So let's discover the “unknown”.
Who wants to encounter daily irritations and lack of individuality, when that individuality is what brought us together. Personal space and autonomy are the essence of finding ourselves, and preserving that state.
I don’t know about you, but I want purposeful connection. Time that is intentional, offering deep and meaningful connection. The rest of the time… I want to connect with myself. To deal with the daily troubles in my way.
What about the realities? A thousand branches can spring from this epidermic exchange of thoughts.
Of course, two households can be expensive.
Care may eventually be needed.
Children require nurturing, stability, love.
But even with traditional structures, isn’t space still essential?
Might divorce rates be lower if couples had somewhere to retreat, reflect and renew?
Can we raise children with devotion and room to breathe?
Every parent has longed, at some point, for solitude. To reconnect with their own soul, so they may better serve others.
Isn’t the best version of ourselves the one that’s been allowed to rest?
What if we entered relationships unburdened by inherited expectations?
What if we stopped asking: what will people think?
And instead asked: what feels right and true - for us?
What if we entered relationships with honesty and rid of social stigma that comes from family and friends?
Society will talk.
Friends will gossip.
Family will question.
Everyone has an opinion, most of which are projections; echoes of their own longing, fear or trauma. Their own predispositions.
So then:
Will we build a life based on the wounds of others?
Is it our responsibility to satisfy others?
Do we need to persuade anyone else but ourselves about the way we live and our choices?
Isn’t our set of scars already enough?
Does a royal affair allow love to breathe more freely?
Might it allow love and desire to live longer?
Could we embrace individuality with togetherness?
Might routine be overrated and intentionality underrated?
What does success look like when it is defined on our own terms?